Happy Times! June 3, 2011

Wow now a really long time has passed, Last time I wrote my precious little boy was almost 10 weeks old and today he was 37 weeks old. On Tuesday he was 8 months old!

Every painful minute I had waiting him was well worth it! He is such an incredible little boy who is growing smarter each day!  I often cry when I rock him (like I did again tonight) our of pure happiness, joy, amazement, love for him and for God for choosing me to be this incredible little boys mother.

He started rolling over consistantly at a few days shy of 5 months and the opposite way a week or 2 later.

He started crawling on his tummy just before he was 6 months old and he was able to sit unassisted at about 6.5 months, but  as he was finishing month 7 he was able to make himself sit up cnsistanly. For the past few weeks he has been getting on all four and rocking only to thrust forward with out moving his arms first.

Month 7 also brought his first two little teeth…Boy just when I thought he couldn’t get any cuter!! Month 7 also brought sleeping in the crib…this had less to do with Braydon and more to do with me. I hate having him sleep away from me, but I know it is beter and safer for him. He is doing better at sleeping at night but nap time is still a problem 20-30 minute cat naps in his crib is the most I can get out of him with the exception of him being or getting sick or a random fluke!

I find it hard to get things done during the day with such limited nap time, but Grandma Connie is always there t help out or just dote on him!!

He is an exceptionally loved little boy! I hope he realizes this one day! It took me until his birth to understand the love my parents and family had for me..I hope he learns this much sooner!

Just the other day he started trying to pull himself up, he is just emerging in this skill area.  He will only on occasion move his legs in a forward “walking” like motion when you hold his hands, this too is in the early emerging phase. He does love the walker, however he is stuck in Reverse!

He loves Chloe and Bella, Chloe is much more tolerant of him than Bella! He yanks their fur or pulls their tails. If he is on the rug and he sees them he will crawl over to them just as he gets within reach they get up and change position!! Wait till he can walk/run…they are in trouble then!!

I am fortunate I am staying home with him and only working part time as a waitress. I really loved teaching and would like to return one day, once all my children are in school. Unfortunately for financial reasons I may have to return back sooner if I get a job, the job market is tough. I hope we can afford to buy a house next year even if I am only working part time then once we are in our own home I could pick up a few children to babysit. We shall saee what God has in store for us and I am hopeful that he has a greater,bbigger plan for us, even if we can not see it now! I have to have faith in God, his plan and my plan were not the same last time and I am very thankful for his plan because his plan is what gave us my sole reason for living, my son, Braydon!

Wow time has really passed December 6, 2010

As I write this I am holding my sleeping 9 and half week old son. Reading these old posts bring back so many emotions that have escaped me since his birth, but surely have been replaced with many new ones.

Being  Braydon’s mom is the proudest accomplishment I have. I love this little boy more than words. I am pleasantly surprised at what a good baby he is and how he has changed my life forever.

He is a healthy little boy in most aspects, however he will undergo surgery this Thursday the 9th of December to deflate the ureterocele. This may be 1 of a few surgeries, but praying this will be the only one he needs. I am sick to my stomach over this, I fear him having anesthsia and having complications as a result. If anything happened to my baby I would die. He is my world, my everything, everything that mattered to me before doesn’t matter anymore. I know God is watching over him and will protect him when I can’t.

 

He is just such an incredible little boy, with such a personality all ready. It is amazing to think 10 weeks ago he was the baby kicking up a storm in my belly! Time really does fly by!

Ending week 28 July 11, 2010

Adios week 28!! Tomorrow I will be 29 weeks!!! My lil man is getting so big. It has been quite awhile since I last posted and a lot has changed!

Week 14 went well the whole family was there to see our baby. My parents, brother, grandma, Aunt Pam, Uncle Howie, Monica and Steve! Truly amazing how many people love our baby already! We were unable to see the sex of the baby but that is ok.

Week 16 We went for an ultrasound at College of Dupage because I was anxious to find out if my baby was a boy or girl and it is a BOY!! Wow was Brandon ever surprised! I had no feeling either way then the night before I had a dream it was a boy and I was right!! Braydon Richard…now he has a name and an identity!

Week 18: Well our world was turned upside down a bit. Brandon had been applying for jobs in Buffalo, NY  for awhile. We knew ideally we would move before the birth of our son, but knew that was not likely.  Well it did happen he got a job, we started moving and put the house up for sale!

Week 20: We had our 20 week Ultrasound and baby boy was measuring fine, but the ultrasound showed an enlarged kidney, so we needed to follow up with another Ultrasound a few days later which confirmed the kidney is dilated, but we are not really sure why.Other than that Braydon looks perfect.

Week 22: I move back into my parent house and meet up with Brandon who has been there for a few weeks already. I resigned from my teaching  job for next school year. Not too sure what is going to happen if we don’t sell our house.

Week 23: We met our new OBGYN and he seems pretty good.

Week 24: We met our new perinatologist and she is wonderful. We had another Ultrasound and Braydon looks perfect. His kidney is still dilated, but she thinks she fiured out why. She said he has a uretercele. Basically the ureter is too narrow connecting to the bladder causing the back up of urine.

Week 26: We met with the urologist Braydon will see once he is born and he confirmed what Dr. White had said but made me feel a little better because the  problem is not genetic which is good for our other future children and Braydon’s children if he decides to have them.  I was also relieved because they did not seem to think he will not need immediate surgery which is a huge relief!

Week 28: Here we are at week 28…Braydon moves often and I love the way it feels. I feel so close to him when when he moves!  Tomorrow we got for another Ultrasound with Dr. White. I am hoping Braydon is growing right on track! I am always nervous before my ultrasounds! So gar everything has been right on track so I am very hopeful! I love my lil boy more than this world! I can’t wait for the next 11 weeks to fly by so I can finally hold him and kiss him!

Week 14 Jitters March 31, 2010

Well here I am 14 weeks 2 days into my pregnancy. I have had 2 amazing ultrasounds since the last post. Week 12 we had a NT Scan and baby is measuring right on and had a HB of 171 and is in the lowest risk category for chromosomal abnormalities! Now that is something to celebrate! The baby was amazingly adorable…I love everything about him/her, their toes, hands every ounce of them I am head over heels in love with!!!  This feeling of love is like the greatest feeling imaginable.

At week 13 I had some very light pink discharge and over-reacted and went into the ER and was reassured it was nothing and baby is fine and it was on the ultrasound. That baby was flipping and dancing in there…I fell deeper in love than before!

On Saturday I have an ultrasound scheduled in Buffalo so my whole family can see this baby and maybe get a sneak peek at the gender! I am becoming very nervous that the baby will not be alive in there. I have no idea why I am freaking myself out over this. I have purchased a dopplar to hear the HB at home but I am always worried I did it wrong and it is not the babies HB I heard. Deep down I know everything is fine but I HATE that part of me that questions that. I know that God is protecting and keeping this baby safe. I pray that God helps me to push out the negative thoughts and embrace the good!

Why Can’t I Stay Positive? March 6, 2010

Last Sunday I began having really bad cramps, so of course I was worried out of my mind. Monday I went to the Doctor and I was able to hear the baby’s heartbeat. It was such an amazing moment in my life.  As I begin to approach week 11 I am filled with fear again, I am not sure why everything has been going amazing so far.  Every twinge I feel, burst of energy I get or lack of nausea I fear the worst, that this baby will have stopped growing and join his/her siblings in heaven.

I keep trying to push these thoughts out of my mind but I can’t. I want this baby to be healthy and alive so it can become the love of my life. I hate when I have these break downs because I am trying to be strong but the truth is I am not strong at all.

I try not to think ahead too far into the future, thinking that if I do lose this baby, not thinking of my future life with this baby apart of it will make the loss easier, but it won’t.  The most precious thing in the world, which I desire most will be taken from me and no matter how hard I try I will fall apart into many more pieces than I was before. I think of myself as humpty dumpty sitting on that wall and every loss of a pregnancy/baby is a fall from that wall. Each time putting the pieces back becomes harder, because the pieces are smaller and more scattered than before.  Honestly how many falls can I take before those pieces just don’t fit back together and I am no longer the same person. I am not the same person I was this past summer. I am not the same person I was when I found out I was having my first baby. I wish I was. I was hopeful for the future. Now I am fearful, that the most precious thing to me will be taken away from me again.

I have faith in God, that he will watch over me and guide me along this journey to become a mother, but at moments like these I wish he would give me a sign of reassurance that everything will be all right.

I hope in 7 months from now I will look back and read this and say if I only knew then everything would work out fine I could have enjoyed my pregnancy more.  I am beyond in love with my baby and only a mother or mother to be knows the type of love I am talking about and I can not imagine that first moment that I hold that baby in my arms for the first time the love I will feel then. I yearn for that.

In 9 days I will go for another Ultrasound and I continue to pray for a perfect outcome. Maybe then at 12 weeks I can ease the fear, although until the moment I hold that baby the fear of losing the baby through miscarriage will follow me. And at that same moment a whole new set of fears with overtake me!

Listening to my prayers February 17, 2010

God is listening to my prayers and has started to answer them one small step at a time. My ultrasound went very well today! Baby was measuring exactly where it needs to be and the heartbeat was a strong 172-177 beats per minute.

I am truly thankful for all the wonderful people in my life who have been praying for us and our baby. God is great and sometimes you lose your way and he finds a way to bring you back.

This is one small step in having my prayers answered. Now that we have seen our baby healthy, I pray for another healthy 4 weeks until our next ultrasound. This is my miracle baby who will survive and go on to live a healthy long life…I know it!!

God has answered my prayers before, and maybe I was too busy to realize it but here he is at work again, but this time I see it and I am forever grateful!

Teaching February 15, 2010

Well  I have made it to the 8 week mark. I am happy to have made it this far. It has been a loooong 4 weeks since finding out I was pregnant again. I have been staying positive, but like everyone I have my breakdowns. Tuesday I go for an ultrasound, and I am excited, as weird as it is I am much more excited than I was the first time. I was very worried something was wrong the first time, which is strange since I had no reason to be worried. I am still a bit worried but more excited to see everything is ok so far and I can let out a HUGE sign of relief, and wait till 12 weeks.

I am the type of person who believes things happen for a reason, maybe not at that moment but looking back, with past relationships especially. And whenever I think of it I am reminded of the song God Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatt. I kind of feel the same way about my journey towards motherhood. Things are happening along the road and they may lead you to a place you didn’t want or intend to go but eventually you end up where you were meant to be.  I do feel these miscarriages have positively impacted my life as well a negatively. No woman should have to loose a child or a pregnancy, but it happens and unfortunately I was one of the unlucky 20%  twice. I get angry and cry often and ask why me and ask what is God trying to teach me. I am not a perfect Christian or Catholic by any means  but I am a pretty good person, I have my flaws(which I hope my children won’t inherit) I have not sinned more than many other women out there who have healthy babies/children. So what is God trying to tell or teach me? I have strayed from my faith, I know, I have taken the MANY blessings I do have for granted. During the last few months I have turned my heart to God and asked for his help to give me the strength to deal with the grief over my lost angels, and too guide me along this broken road. I began going to church again and WOW mass is so much more enjoyable when you want to be there. I just remember being a child and a teenager wishing I was anywhere but there. But I feel a sense of closeness to God when I am there and a sense of peace and calm. I began praying again, and I mean truly praying and praying the rosary weekly and sometimes more if I have an upcoming  test in which I am concerned about. I really think the loss I suffered was God’s way of restoring my faith in him and his unconditional love he has for all of us. I truly believe that God has brought me home (back to my faith) in preparation to make me an advocate for his glory. I believe this pregnancy I now carry will be my true miracle and I plan on sharing this experience with all of my children one day and thank then for being the miracles that they are but also for bringing me closer to God.

I have had my faith restored and want to begin to give to others. I continue to have true faith in God and ask for his protection over this pregnancy so I can give a live healthy birth to a beautiful, happy, healthy baby who will go on to live a long, happy,healthy fruitful life as a child of God.

Trying to stay positive January 23, 2010

So here we are again PREGNANT! 6 months ago I would be gushing with enthusiam, but this time, I am more fearful than anything.  After loosing 2 babies in the last 6 months my heart aches all the time, and with this somewhat of a surprise pregnancy I am disillusioned.

We tried to not get pregnant as per Dr’s orders until we concluded the testing to find out if there was a problem that was causing me to loose babies. Some tests came back fine and I can’t finish the testing now becuase of the pregnancy.  I was looking forward to going into the next pregnancy with a sense of relief, knowing if there was a problem and we “fixed it” or if there wasn’t a problem. So I still carry the unkown on my shoulders and heart.

Don’t get me wrong, I want a baby more than anything and maybe the 3rd time is a charm and this baby will be the one to survives and will make my dream of being a mother come true! God I sure hope so!

I have had 2 HCG tests and I am not really sure how all of this works. I can’t figure out when to count DPO to see if my levels are normal or low average. They did go up I had a test on Tue and it was 54 and on Thur it was 96.  The Dr. started me on progesterone “just in case” since my levels were not really low.  I am going again on Monday. I pray my levels are where they need to be so that I can atleast have some comfort. 

I do kind of  have a feeling this baby maybe the one. The one baby I can actually hold, kiss, feel their breath on me as I nurse. I am trying to stay positive and RELAX but how can I when the one thing in life that is supposed to be the most exciting/happy experience has turned into the scariest.

If anybody reads this, please pray for my husband and I, that this baby is born alive and healthy and goes on to lead a happy life.

Testing January 7, 2010

So my Doctor visit went as expected, I lost the baby, my HCG was back down to zero.  My Dr. is sending me for some tests, I go for a Follicle, LH,progesterone and TSH test this Saturday. I am hoping that comes back abnormal since that can be patched up and I can go on to have healthy pregnancies. If they come back fine then I have to go for a HSG which is where they insert a cath. in your uterus and inject dye into the uterus to check for scaring or blockages. I pray this is not the case and my uterus is scare free. Having scaring can drastically reduce the ability to carry a healthy pregnancy. I have a gut feeling this is what the issue is. I pray my gut is wrong but since we started TTC my gut has been right, despite my efforts to be positive.

I feel so out of control. There are so many things in life you have control over and there are few you don’t. This being the biggest one. I wish I had a crystal ball that would show me my like in 5 years and  that way I could get through this if I could know we would have healthy kids of our own. My mom has said she would carry babies for me if my uterus is unable, but I want to carry my own babies. I want to feel them move. I keep holding onto the fact we can get preg. easily, since many woman have trouble getting preg and staying preg so I guess having only to deal with 1 of those issues is better. I hope this issue is resolved soon and we can go on to have a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby.

Dreading December 29, 2009

I am dreading this Doctor’s Apt. as much as I dreaded having my D&C 2 months ago. I hate not knowing what to expect and I really don’t know what to expect today. I am assuming they will send me for an US to make sure I passed everything. I took a HPT yesterday morning and it was negative, which really killed my hopes that my little baby survived the bleeding, I am learning to never have any hope when it comes to this pregnancy thing , I am ALWAYS let down in a huge way. I REALLY hope she sends me for some testing so maybe I can find some answers, so I can understand why this keeps happening.

I read somewhere not sure where that depending on what ovary you ovulate from is where the egg implants. Which in my mind if this is true, maybe this MC was a result of coming from the same ovary we concieved the first time and maybe that side of my uterus’ lining is weaker? Not sure if this makes sense or has any medical backing but I am trying to be hopeful (LOL..didn;t I just say I am trying not to??) that maybe the 3rd one is the charm!